Letting Go

I was asked for advice on “successfully letting go, when you know it’s time to let go.”

The context was athletic identity but this applies to everything.

There are three components of how I deal with my attachments.

+++

Understand that mortality is going to force me to let go of everything.

In the context of physical power, we are forced to deal with this in middle age. You’d have to be a very out-of-shape twenty-something not to notice a shift as you move from 40 to 60.

Every transition in our lives can be used as preparation for the Big One that awaits us all.

Another example, from the preschool years. Parents dealing with grief from the disappearance of their babies. Our kids growing up is an opportunity for continual letting go. I miss our babies (but it’s ok).

My greatest attachment is to my kids. Some day we are going to have to say goodbye to each other. Preparing for that day is part of what remains for me.

+++

Acknowledge that the strength of my attachments is due to chemical signatures deep within me. I can feel them.

The transcendental experiences I had, while racing, live within me. When I speak of racing, my skin electrifies and my muscles warm.

Same deal with thinking deeply about my leaving my kids – though not as pleasurable! I feel them below my heart, just in front of my spine.

If you look deeply into these experiences, these attachments, they can be a source of tremendous energy. There is a lot of power here.

+++

Counter my grasping by meeting my obligations to those closest to me.

Put simply, my antidote to my mind is to be a good guy.

With a deep feeling of goodness, it’s easier to let negative thoughts pass through me and not get caught up in the opinions of others.

I deeply know that my current life is aligned with my core values.

If you’re (secretly) wigging out then it’s information that you’re out of alignment. Start acting better and your mind will follow.

+++

To see the power of these techniques, consider the times of your life when you’ve done the opposite.

Something for my kids, when they’re 21

I didn’t listen to much when I was younger.

These might have gotten through…

Save half of what you earn – you will not miss the spending you avoid and this constraint will have a positive impact on the rest of your life => first in appreciation for what you do buy => second in the ability to easily constrain yourself when life’s inevitable setbacks arrive.

Pay attention to what bothers you about others => fix it in yourself.

Ghost – resist the urge to justify yourself. You’ll feel different later. Personal truth changes with time and circumstance.

Climb your mountains – my time for large physical exploits is gone, I’m happy, content and satisfied with how the physical side of my life played out. Don’t wait to be great.

Be wary of the prettiest girl in high school, the star athlete, the charismatic sociopath – We are all fooled by appearances. LEARN from your inevitable mistakes. This tip is not about dating cheerleaders, it goes into every aspect of my life and is extremely hard to override.

Barbell your life – learn about your weaknesses but do not worry about them => You will do much better parking yourself where your strengths can shine. Fear ruin => my big three are substance abuse, leverage and toxic relationships. You will find yourself defenseless in the face of certain people, substances and situations. The two strategies that worked for me were avoidance (stay a mile away) and replacement (with healthy addictions).

Better Sleep

I started waking up earlier, kept my mouth shut and watched a cascade of positive effects roll through my house.

I got the idea after calling myself out about my self-prescribed sleep “aids” and from Jocko’s book.

The hook in Jocko’s book was his observation that 4:55am is more than ten minutes better than 5:05am.

I began to wake up in the “4s” in February. After two weeks my body adjusted and I don’t need an alarm to do it.

Monica asked me “why” => “All I was doing was scrolling social media for 90 minutes after the kids went to sleep.”

I was wasting a key advantage => I need less sleep than my kids.

+++

The game is “do whatever before 5am then one useful task.”

As the family wakes up… it’s on and I’m drawn back to the family (sometimes from the middle of a workout).

Jocko’s point –predawn is the only time we truly own.

Other tips…

If you want to go to sleep then wake up – same time every_single_day – with travel, I stay on my home time zone.

I always have a cushion of sleep available by going to sleep at the same time as my kids and waking up at the same time as usual.

 

Mastery

What are the choices that bring me satisfaction?

Getting better than I thought possible at anything.

I had zero athletic success as a child (my little league nickname was “Useless”). My lack of early success makes it easy to impress myself with anything I enjoy enough to do daily. Something I can work at every day.

I use expert instruction from strangers to speed my learning process. Strangers are important — watch high-achieving spouses “teach” each other. When we notice our kids aren’t open to learning from us – we bring in outsiders. Once they get the hang of it (whatever “it” happens to be) they are keen to show us their competency.

Stay close to nature — I am trained in the desk-bound pursuits of finance, banking, taxation and corporate law. They pay well, and were a ton of fun for the first decade. However, they don’t feed my soul. What feeds your soul? Beware of craving high-doses!

Connect with others — opportunities at both ends of the age spectrum await. From teaching children to learning from aging experts.

+++

Excessive “anything” leaves me in a short-term state of tranquil exhaustion.

Exhaustion plays havoc with my home life because a fatigue hangover leaves me intolerant and prone to depression.

If this sounds familiar then pay attention.

Being better than myself is superior to seeking to better others.

Mastery – a different sort of game.

Strategies for Good Times

Here are three areas where I fool myself.

Consider Ruin – I’ve done a good job of addressing the risks identified three years ago. So good that, when I asked myself the question, “What can wipe me out?” I quickly answered, “You’re set amigo.” That’s a top-of-the-market sentiment if I ever heard one.

Having mitigated the hazards of leverage, unemployment, litigation, fraud, risk-seeking peers and insolvency… my main risks are health and accidental death.

Do you know your own?

Stay Variable – I was listening to out-of-state visitors rave about the beauty of the Rocky Mountains.

They’re right.

Where they go wrong is assuming that buying a condo will enable them to lock in the emotions of beautiful spring day.

I’m just like them.

We’re all just like them.

Good times give us access to additional finance/capital. We often use this money to capitalize luxuries and time.

Stay variable, stay invested and resist the urge to lock in family overheads.

Rebalance Time – the best deals I’ve done have been where I traded money-for-time.

It takes vigilance to carve time to become world-class at things that interest me. Mastery makes me happy.

Social media, marriage, long-term friendships, work/non-work, self/family – I don’t advocate being in balance – I do advocate making an honest assessment and asking myself if I’m OK with where my time allocation will take my life.

What We Don’t See

Twenty-five years ago, I heeded a call to be a better person.

Just a bit better.

Frankly, at the beginning, it would have been tough to see the “better.”

My changes were, essentially, being less unhealthy and less of an asshole.

Even small acts of improvement are not easy.

They are challenging because, inside my head, I only “see” one side of life.

In the moment, my only experience is discomfort.

They are challenging because, I had created a life that supported my poor decisions.

Remember, what we don’t see.

Avoided Setbacks and Unforced Errors.

We never experience avoided health problems, relationships not falling apart, sidestepped addictions, bypassed financial ruin…

I’m grateful the 20-something version of myself was sick of being sick and decided to go for a walk.

 

 

The 30-Day Test

The first principle is you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.

— Richard Feynman


If you self-medicate with drugs or alcohol then you’re going to have a story wrapped around your usage.

My story is beer helps me fall asleep. It’s easy, and wonderful, to knock myself out with a couple of beers. Across 2017, I noticed a habit forming.

As two beers became four, I remembered Doc Evans’ video about alcohol and health. I also sensed that my reason for drinking was weak.

So I decided to make changes, for 30 days:

  • wake up 30 minutes earlier (5:30am is my new normal)
  • ditch the beer
  • pay attention

Similarly my earplug usage was up to 100+ hours per week and a sense of panic would arise when I found myself without plugs. I’d been using plugs for years and they helped, greatly, with not lashing out in the face of my kids’ whining.


How’d it work out?

I lost 8 pounds.

The earplug adjustment happened so quickly I forgot I needed them.

I haven’t forgotten about beer.


We often have habits that hold us back and forever seems daunting.

30-days was:

…long enough to expose my faulty thinking

and

…short enough to get me to start.


One final sleep tip, I lie beside my son for 15 minutes when he goes to bed.

No agenda.

Just breathe.

Our favorite part of the day